Betrayal After Death
Finding Out He Cheated, After He Died
Photo: Sigrid Estrada
Becoming a widow at 43 was enough to rock Julie Metz's world. But the worst was yet to come, as she details in her book "Perfection."
Being widowed is a tough enough burden to bear, especially with a six-year-old child to care for. But for Julie Metz, the sudden death of her husband Henry was only the tip of the iceberg. Six months after his passing, she learned shocking news: For years, Henry had betrayed their marriage, having several affairs, including a relationship with one of their friends.
The news sent Metz reeling, and to cope, she began to keep a journal. That journal became the impetus for her candid memoir, Perfection (Voice, 2009). AOL Health recently had the opportunity to chat with Metz about her book.
AOL Health: Why did you write "Perfection"?
Julie Metz: I think women are struggling with this idea of perfection: Perfect bodies, relationships, kids, jobs, and houses. The pressure to be perfect creates misery and shame and ultimately leads women to make poor choices as they try to hide parts of themselves or their lives they feel are less than perfect. I had to confront that aspect of my life, and I wanted to find a way to redefine the word "perfection."
AOL Health: When friends first told you of Henry's affairs six months after his death, what was your first reaction?
Metz: I was enraged, bewildered and broken-hearted. It was like losing him again but in a different way. I felt as though I'd never really known him, and I questioned whether any of what we'd had together had been real. I couldn't confront him, and this was one reason I decided to contact the other women. Henry had become a stranger to me, and I felt a strong desire to understand who he was. I also wanted to understand how these women had rationalized their choices. I felt they owed me an explanation for their damaging behavior. [Read more about how Metz discovered her husband's affairs.]
AOL Health: What did you learn from contacting these women?
Metz: What I found were surprising areas of common ground. With the exception of the woman in my town, these women had short affairs with my husband during times of great upheaval. They were in vulnerable situations, and my husband took advantage of that. I also came to understand more about my husband's life during his last year or so. He was troubled, and this brought me to a place of compassion, which is the first step to forgiveness.
AOL Health: Did you ever feel like those 13 years of marriage, besides having your daughter Liza, were a waste?
Metz: I did feel that the years with Henry had been a waste, except for the most wonderful thing we did together, which was having our daughter. But after I began recovering from the shock, I was slowly able to look back on our years together in a different way. While I might wish that our lives together had been more peaceful, I don't feel it was all a waste now. I hope the reader will also come to a place of compassion for Henry. I think he was searching in midlife for something in a confused and finally self-destructive way. He was careless with Liza and me, but in the end, he was more careless with himself.
AOL Health: How has Liza dealt with this news? Were you worried your book would upset her?
Metz: Liza was six at the time of her father's death. (She's now 13.) I thought long and hard about writing the book. In the end, I felt she had a deep understanding about the nature of her parents' relationship, having witnessed many of our arguments, and would be better served with an honest understanding of what had been going on. I think she understands that while he was a flawed man, he loved her deeply.
AOL Health: Did you have any suspicions about what was happening while Henry was alive?
Metz: In hindsight, there were many clues. We had a volatile relationship. At its best, it was passionate and exciting; at its worst, we fought. During the last years, it was mostly the worst, and we had been in couples therapy for several years at the time of his death.
Next: Julie Metz Talks About Forgiveness and Moving On
Click through the gallery below to find out why some people have affairs. Note: Please disable your pop-up blocker.
Good People and Affairs
From When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum
Here's the real reason good people have affairs. You're in a relationship that has problems. You don't know how to fix those problems. You're frustrated and confused. You don't know what to do. So you head into an affair. When you know what kind of affair you're having, you'll better understand what you're trying to get for yourself. Stay tuned for the 17 most common kinds of affairs.
The See-If Affair
The reasoning behind this kind of affair is to see if being with a new person will solve your problems. You want to see if you can be happier with someone else. Ultimately, though, the new relationship is really all about shedding light on your first relationship. What are you trying to see if? If it's to see if you can be happier with someone else, ask yourself, Am I? If not, then you don't need the affair. If yes, then it's served its purpose.
The Ejector-Seat Affair
Anytime you have an affair there's a danger that it will blow your marriage out of the water. But some people feel trapped. This kind of affair is a way out. If you've been careless about getting caught and, honestly, would be relieved if your partner found you out, you're in an ejector-seat affair. Stop being in denial about how "trapped" you are and get on with it. Warning: Just because you're looking for a way out of one relationship doesn't mean you should make a commitment to the person you're having the affair with.
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The Heating-Up-Your-Marriage Affair
Here's the classic scenario. You have an affair. It's eh. Your partner finds out. He or she is really upset, devastated, mad, etc. But at the same time, amazingly, things get a lot hotter in bed. If this rings true, your affair will probably die a natural death and your marriage will improve. The heating up of marital sex is a sign that something needed shaking up.
The Distraction Affair
Answer this: Did you feel stuck in your life but didn't know what to do about it prior to the affair? If you're in a distraction affair, you're in tremendous jeopardy. Not only do you risk ending a perfectly good relationship, but the pain and craziness of struggling and breaking up just may delay what you really need to do. That is, figure out how you want to live.
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The Break-Out-Into-Selfhood Affair
This is the opposite of a distraction affair. With this affair, you're finding your way back to who you really are and what's most important to you. It's as if part of you was lost, and something about the affair helps you find that missing piece. It's not the affair itself you need; let that go before it destroys you life. What you need to do bring that missing part of you back into your life.
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I Just-Needed-To-Indulge-Myself Affair
Thoreau said people lead lives of quiet desperation. Some of us lead lives of married desperation. You'll know if it's an indulgence affair if, yes, you feel guilty but you also feel you deserve it. Oh, and you also enjoy how good it feels. The danger here is that guilty feelings can lead people into big trouble. Don't make the affair into something it's not. Write it off as something you needed and then figure out what's making things so unrewarding in your primary relationship. Now do something about it.
The Let's-Kill-This-Relationship-and-See-If-It-Comes-Back-to-Life Affair
Think of it like chemotherapy: Giving poison to someone who is sick in the hopes of saving their life. Here, you're looking to give your marriage a perhaps fatal blow, and then see if the two of you can thaw the icy walls that have grown around the relationship. With this kind of affair, you never know how it will turn out.
The Unmet-Needs Affair
This is a dilemma. If you go outside the relationship to get an important need met (say, sex or emotional connection), it's a betrayal. But if you never find or fulfill that need, it's an awful waste. Get into couples therapy to work on getting your need met at home. If that isn't workable, consider this: Your needs might be more important than your marriage.
The Having-Experiences-I-Missed-Out-On Affair
Here, the unmet need isn't something in the present; it's something from the past. Women without a lot of relationship experience often have affairs like this to make sure that they haven't missed out on something important. Want to be with someone much older or younger? A different ethnic group or someone who's very artistic? What's it like to be with someone who just wants to throw you down on the bed and have sex with you all the time? Alright, now you did it. It shouldn't change your life.
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Recent Comments
Mistorri 02:00:18 AM Sep 13 2009
This lady is not trying to make ALL men look bad. She is just sharing how she dealt with her pain for her own marriage. She is not advocating that ALL men are bastards. Pleae, try to read this with some sense of understanding. Don't take it personally men. It does not mean that you as an individual are a bad, whoremongering person. She has come to terms with her own relationship and is trying to help others come to term with theirs. She talks of learning to forgive. If you just try to understand that learning to forgive is a wonderful lesson for ANY person, male or female; then you can begin to see that her book is about healing. We all need healing. All have been hurt in some way in our lives. If not...it will be at your doorstep and maybe this will help you be prepared.
Jedsil 11:01:07 PM Sep 12 2009
I didn't realize that Amklein4 moderated this site. Before you post your comment, please forward them to her for approval, and, if necessary editing. Thank you.
Amklein4 09:59:35 PM Sep 12 2009
For the clueless here, the naysayers, unless you have read her book, you have no business posting here. You just want the attention of someone reading your post. I have read her book and find it very helpful and useful for people who may share a connection with her story. If you don't, please don't waste time posting. Your opinion doesn't matter.
DavidandM 09:12:45 PM Sep 12 2009
I think she has absolutely handled this whole thing the best possible way for her and her daughter. Things were far from perfect when he was alive, but the discovery of his betrayals brings it to a whole new level in addition to trying to work through the grief. And she had the guts to confront the women to discover why and in the process heal and forgive. In the end she did the right and healthy thing for herself and her daughter, who will grow up and marry a much better mate and have a happier life than one filled with grief and anger.
CrystalSenshi 08:26:22 PM Sep 09 2009
There are some really clueless jerks posting abusive invectives against this woman. She's taken something immensely earth shaking on TOP of her husband's death and is trying to help out others who may be going through something similar. God forbid you heartless fiends ever suffer or have pain in your life. Go hug your moms and be grateful for your blessings.
Coldcomfort4u2 07:53:54 PM Sep 09 2009
Wah, I'm a victim of evil men, buy my book and find out why.
Hbbnc 07:46:40 PM Sep 09 2009
No one has any idea what went on between this chick and her man. He ain't here to defend himself, and she's gotta' vent. 'cause she's pissed You can't assume she was loyal, or loving, or honest, or anything else -- and you can't assume he was a scumbag. He obviously felt like he had to get something from other women. And that something appears to be a big bucket of fresh hot sex. Which is what all men want. Can you dig it?
basscat1986 06:50:48 PM Sep 09 2009
Another woman trying to make us men look bad. I'm one of the rare breeds that believes in good family values, don't look at another woman when you already have one and work to the bone to support her, even in the most advanced situations.
Tammy45429 06:41:39 PM Sep 09 2009
I know someone else that this happened to. Her husband died and she found that he was having affairs while they were married.
